Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.