“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I am having an out of money experience.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.