Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
584.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.