her: my parents are gone 馃槈
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Woman approaches me as I鈥檓 putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I鈥檓 visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN鈥橳 be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I鈥檓 pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn鈥檛 left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
CW: What鈥檚 your middle name?
Me: It鈥檚 Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don鈥檛 have one.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It鈥檚 a temple to Dionysus
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If we鈥檙e out of croutons, I鈥檒l just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
It鈥檚 amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn鈥檛 make a sound, maybe that鈥檚 where your kid should be practicing the piano