Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
You Might Also Like
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.