@HispanicIcon: Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
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@WhaJoTalkinBout: Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job? Me: After lunch, next question.
@StephenBCramer: The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.
@DaddyJew: Relationship threats: teens: i'll cheat on you 20's: i'll go to the bar with my boys 30's: I'm gonna watch all of our shows without you
@kolchak: Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word "girl" with "gerbil".