Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Time heals everything 🙂
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.