@HispanicIcon: Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
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@DanMentos: [teaching my 3yo the alphabet] "Ok what's a word that starts with Q" cucumber "That's uh… I don't… let's pick this up again tomorrow"
@QwertyJones3: "That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice." No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
@notacroc: INTERVIEWER: what makes you different? ME: *begins levitating* INTERVIEWER: holy shit ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys
@jon_albo: Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.