Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich