Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.