Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Aight bet
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.