@prufrockluvsong: Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It's always waaay too spicy and doesn't taste anything like avocados.
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@awesomeseank: Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
@iamspacegirl: *standing over your shoulder while you read a book I recommended* You arent laughing I usually laugh at this part why do you hate it so much
@jackiembouvier: I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
@JohnLyonTweets: The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.