@prufrockluvsong: Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It's always waaay too spicy and doesn't taste anything like avocados.
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@jordan_stratton: Am I financially wealthy? No. But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
@Douchekevin: Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.
@causticbob: The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
@iwearaonesie: me [doing laundry] Can this go in the dryer? wife: What does it say on the tag? me: “Made in Vietnam”