Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I miss this era type of pranks😭
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.