Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Cause of death: Zumba
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working