@DranoRaul: Never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.
@realHamOnWry: Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
@fabulouscop: *man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"
@TheMichaelRock: Me: you like that? *takes out trash* Wife: ooooh Me *starts vacuuming the living room* Wife: oh my god, don't stop