Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.