Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.