Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.