Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
This could be us… but you playing
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited