Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Are we there yet?…
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder