Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Meow
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire