When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
iPhone X
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.