Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Smooooooth
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.