Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit