Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid