Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.