@PaperWash: Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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@TuffyNyC: It's nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
@tarashoe: i'd be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
@david8hughes: You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
@UncleDuke1969: WIFE: Why are you wearing camo? ME: Crap. You can see me? WIFE: Put those cookies back.