@PaperWash: Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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@noog: Spider: Why don't you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
@TheBoydP: Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
@omgthatspunny: I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
@daplusk: Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and i feel i failed as i should've thought of that joke