Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
bugs when you lift up a rock
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly