Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
You Might Also Like
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]