Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
This is a true ally.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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