Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that