Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.