“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
That’s what I call a flat tire
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
what it’s like dating me:
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV