person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call