You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk