Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
A leaf blower, but for people.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN