Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Saturday
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying