@CatLitterGirl: Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
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@CerebralWreck: Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear? Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
@anylaurie16: 7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, "Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."
@mayamanion: The whole "bad boy" thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That's soooo hot
@Cpin42: Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.