Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
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Great acting.. 😂
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Good morning.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.