@WhiskeySoured: Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.
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@InternetHippo: MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A…a friend
@DaddyJew: [buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case