@WhiskeySoured: Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.
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@MooseAllain: If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
@MavenofHonor: Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
@daemonic3: [gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! "Thanks" Anytime, pumpkin! "You're sweet" You're one in vermillion!
@jordan_stratton: Whenever you're feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.