grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Friday night party time 🥳
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.