@WhiskeySoured: Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.
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@iamspacegirl: Geppetto: I wish you were a real boy Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around* Geppetto: yay! [3 hrs later] Geppetto: This was a mistake
@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I'm not sure if that's considered sexual harassment or flirting.
@kcmoore51: Me: What are your plans for tonight? 13: Think I'll hang out with you and mom. Me: Goddammit...uh I mean that's great.