Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.