Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
so this horse walks into a bar
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol