Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
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I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee