Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
You Might Also Like
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Saw online –
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Battery falling down a hole
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.