Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
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absolutely not
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
HR said no more nunchucks.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?