If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You Might Also Like
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Have kids, they said
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.