Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.