@Loli_Sug: Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they're obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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@KateWhineHall: Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement.
@zwina_summer: Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he's on his way home from work.
@ElgatoEsmio: [sketchy parking lot] stranger: hey man, can you jump my car? me: maybe if i get a running start
@xoCAMILLAxo: I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I'll go back to paper!