@Loli_Sug: Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they're obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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@iwearaonesie: Pro tip: Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
@DickScurvy: Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.
@BuckyIsotope: WHO SAID "YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED" A) Gov. George Wallace B) The Offspring C) My mom teaching me to do laundry D) All of the above
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: 16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said "Listen to it, it'll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.