Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.