Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
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I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
584.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
a public service announcement
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.