@PyrBliss: Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
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@SocialExtortion: I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I'm taking a selfie and you're in the background
@jus4golf: My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
@Faceyspace: Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
@UNTRESOR: [meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?