Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Put a ring on it
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.