Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!