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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
cause of death:
autopsy.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?