Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
You Might Also Like
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
See..?
.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!