Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Anyone want a chair?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.