@notalogin: Dog: I'm a man's best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me. Pussycat: Yeah, you're not gonna win this one.

@ninjadinosaur1: I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I'm awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

@BromanConsul: the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn't actually know the words

@tastefactory: [ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror] "My dead what?" [ghost writes *YOU'RE] AAHHHHHHHHHH!

@fillthevacuum: *adds resume embellisher to resume*