[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison